Why me?

When I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, my first reaction was naturally dismay and shock. “Why me?” this thought echoed through my head. I was a mere 27 years old boy who was nearly done with his graduate school years. Why me? The news, of course, was a terrible blow to my family, friends, and me. None of us could have seen this coming. Growing up, I was a natural athlete. Maybe not the superstar who woos the fans’ hearts with the game-winning shot. I was just a player who knew his role well. I played a variety of sports throughout my life: soccer, basketball, football, baseball, wrestling, track and field, and even gymnastics and karate briefly. I was back-up goalie for USA Team Handball for Deaflympics 2005, and our team managed to win silver medal for our country. On the bottom line, I was an active guy who was usually in good health.

So why me?

My dear grandma was diagnosed with breast cancer. She survived through it. Yet, in her second year of remission, it eventually came back, along with bone cancer and brain tumor. In late 2003, she passed away with a week left before becoming 80 years old. Bless her soul… Maybe having cancer runs in the family? That is what I asked my doctor. Her response was that the cause behind Hodgkin’s Lymphoma is unknown and/or likely mutlifactorial. There are a variety of theories that could lead to my present case: family history, history of infectious mononucleosis (mono), and so on. My parents suspect excessive partying (parents… you know them). I never had mono in the past; however the doctor said it was possible for me to have an encounter with someone who has mono, and it could wake up the dormant cancer cells in my body. A friend of mine mentioned that it could be from microwaving food too much (aka nuking them, according to my sister-in-law). Basically, no one really knows why I was diagnosed with it in the first place.

So why me?

Maybe this is because of karma? This could be because I stole a candy bar from a 2nd grade girl when I was in 4th grade? Or the one time I shoplifted a t-shirt from a store in New Orleans, Louisiana, during my road trip in my sophomore year of Gallaudet University? Or it could be one tha---- ah, I could go on and on, just like chubby Chuck did to the villains in “Goonies” (one of my all-time favorite movie scenes). However, I am actually more of a realist and skeptic myself. Due to that fact, I am not exactly a big fan of fate, horoscopes, prophecies, and so on. Karma happens to fall in that category too, but I usually find myself fascinated with the concept of it. Are people being rewarded and punished because of their actions? I believe all people have their own successes and hardships, but was this result of karma? Or just simply what life has to offer us? I know I did a lot of things that I’m proud of, and in the meantime, I know there are some flaws and aspects I need to address. But were my actions and failures in my life justifiable for me as a cancer victim? I don’t know. Some people are strong believer of “things happen for a reason”. Once again, I am skeptic about that. This debate could go on forever too. Was this act of karma? An act of fate? An act of God? Or just simply what life is. Who knows and I will just leave this to people’s interpretation.

So why me?

This entire ordeal was certainly tiresome, and yet it strengthened me as a person in general. Many people were surprised to see how optimistic I was through entire experience. In reality, I have to put emphasis on two factors. First and foremost, it was the survival odds. People at young age who are diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma have 90% of survival rate. In fact, a person in medical field mentioned this, “If you have to have cancer, this one is to get. Because this kind of cancer is most treatable in comparison to other cancers.” Not only that, Stanford Cancer Center has this outstanding success rate with treating this kind of cancer, hence bringing my odds to probably 95% or more. I am truly fortunate to be able to put myself in excellent hands.

The next factor was my approach to this entire ordeal. As mentioned before, people were surprised at how calm and optimistic I was while dealing with my case. Well, my response to this: how else should I approach my situation? You expect me to hide in a dark closet and spew out Shakespeare quotes and to curse my fate and/or the Supreme Being above me (well, I did that couple of months ago, and I must say it was rather nice to get it off my chest). But, on a serious note, is there another efficient way for me to handle this situation? I think not. I had a friend tell me that his wife told him that if she was ever diagnosed with any kind of cancer, she would prefer to keep her condition on low profile and is possibly willing to take her own life, if necessary. Some said they would sulk into oblivious and or wreak havoc like the guy did in “Breaking Bad” TV series. I do not speak for other cancer patients, and I can only speak for myself. People all over the world are diagnosed with various kinds of cancers with unknown causes (not including cancers that were caused by various products such as tobacco, alcohol, exposure to radiation, so on). Is it our fault? Is it something for us to be ashamed of? I personally do not think so. This is the very reason why I figured I really don’t have much of choice except to keep my head high and just plow through the obstacles that await me.

Once again, I have to stress that my experience is very different from other cancer patients’. To be honest, I have NO idea what my reaction to entire ordeal would be like if I was notified in the beginning that I have 50% chance of surviving or if my cancer was not curable. I do not know if I would be able to approach the entire ordeal with confidence and optimistic attitude like I am with my current condition. Only God knows what it would be like, really.

Throughout the entire ordeal, I have befriended several Deaf cancer patients who I came to admire. One of them has been enduring through his rare kind of cancer for last six years or so. Another one of them was diagnosed with her cancer when she was a baby and it came back twice in her lifetime, and she just graduated from high school recently. In a nutshell, there are plenty others who have it worse than me, but it didn’t dampen their spirits nor their zest for life. It also came to my recognition that they were thrilled to be able to share their stories and experiences with me. It is true that I am somewhat able to relate to them, but to the extent of their hardships? Probably not, but it was nice to be able to lend a listening “eye” and to ask some words of wisdom from them. In fact, this whole experience made me realize I want to “pay it forward” by helping future Deaf cancer patients somehow. I still have no idea how I will do it, but hopefully I will be able to do it someday.

The strange thing about this whole experience was my perspective on life itself. Ironically enough, in last few months, I feel more content than I WAS in last few years! It is true that graduate school and life itself did take a toll on me mentally, physically, and spiritually. I was beginning to lose the sight of what was precious to me in my life. After being diagnosed with cancer, it took me a while to accept, and eventually to embrace the menacing towering obstacle that was lying in my way. After a couple of months, I began to look at this ordeal as blessing in disguise. It made me acknowledge how fortunate I was to be blessed with loving family and numerous great friends. It made me appreciate those little finer things in my life now. It is true my life is a wild roller coaster itself, yet I have plenty more highlights than hardships in my life, I can assure you. Alas, in the meantime, I must confess it is somewhat sad how we often need hardships in our lives to be reminded of our blessings. In a nutshell, I just hope my hardship can serve as a reminder to every one of you of how precious our lives are.

My perspective of how I live my life has also altered. Looking back, I realize that in my young 20s, I pretty much abide by this motto: “Ignorance is bliss”. I rarely look at the way I eat, exercise, and sleep. For instance, whenever I see my food on the floor more than five seconds, I would just chuckle and brush the dust off food and flick it into my devouring mouth. Fast food and plenty of fattening meals never concern me once about my health. Of course, that comes with age too. I am no longer the young and naive young adult I once used to be. Now my thinking has been shifting to new thinking: “Knowledge is power.” Now I start look at the way I lead my life, especially how I eat and exercise. Of course, as that old saying goes, “Rome wasn’t built in a day”; my habits didn’t change overnight. I’m slowly trying to reduce some of my vices, improving my eating habit, and exercising on a regular basis. Now I am proud to say that I’m on my fifth week of p90x and am currently holding a new side job as Beachbody coach. I will probably elaborate more on this later, but if you are interested in P90X, Insanity, Brazil Butt Lift and several more products Beachbody company has to offer, then do CONTACT me for more information!

It is true that I have endured plenty hardships with my diagnosis of Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, but it also did strengthen and solidify my character. I guess the truest test of someone’s character is how much he/she bounces back from hardships and misfortunes in his/her life. I am not out of deep woods, as I still do not know my results yet. If I happen to be in remission, I still will have to deal with yearly check-ups for many years to come. Despite the low odds of this happening, but I might be vulnerable to secondary cancers from this entire treatment (either from chemotherapy or radiation therapy) in the future. Ultimately, my health will be always in question for rest of my life, but will I let that stop me living my life to the fullest? Absolutely not. Not when I know I am blessed with the life I have right now.

Oh, that reminds me. In my previous entry, I said I would be notified of my final result on March 9th. However, it was rescheduled to March 21st due to a minor mistake on their part. And yes, that is tomorrow, my family and friends. I had a CT SCAN last Thursday, March 17th (yep, on St. Paddy’s Day), and this will verify the condition I am currently in. In a sense, you could say that the Day of Judgment has arrived for me. Either I will be in remission or not.

Regardless of what final result is, I must thank all of you for your constant support and love you guys have shown for me throughout my entire ordeal. Words cannot describe my gratitude for every one of you, really. For now, a sincere and heartfelt “thank you” would do.

Thank you.

So why me?

The answer: who fucking knows. Just live on, my dear self. ☺

til’ next time,
adam j.

P.S. This was typed on March 20th, but was published on 21st. I had to clarify couple of details in my blog. Anyway, I'll be getting final results in matter of couple of hours! Wish me luck, familia and amigos!