Monday, March 21, 2011

And the result is...

Go ahead and pop the bottle of champagne open!

Yep, I have received confirmation few hours ago from my doctor that I'm officially in remission! So the long waiting game's finally over. However, to say that I'm a "cancer survivor" is a tad misleading (I couldn't resist saying this on facebook, tho!). The doctor said this kind of cancer has a tendency to relapse within next two years (pretty low odds, by the way). Therefore, I will still need to keep close eye on my health for next few years.

From now on, I will need regular check-up for every three months in next two years, then six months for few years after that, and then on yearly basis for rest of my life. The doctor stress that next two years are crucial, as the possibility of relapse is always there, but after two years, it's highly unlikely. So it ain't over, hun.

Nonetheless, I can breathe a bit easier knowing that my cancer cells are now dormant. Let's hope it'll be like that for rest of my life!

I believe the entries about my entire experience with cancer have come to a conclusion. However, I will still use this blog occasionally to express my nonsensical ranting. In fact, there are couple of blog entries before my whole ordeal with cancer. Some people got the impression that I started this blog to keep my family and friends in the loop regarding my health situation, when it wasn't the case. It's true that my blog was shifted to focus on my health dilemma, but now it's over with.

So time for my blog to returns to its original purpose. But the question remains the same: will I put this blog to good use? :) Feel free to keep on following me or discard me away like I'm milk that has been expired for two weeks. Whatever suits you the best.

Well, the journey is far from being over. Instead, it's just the beginning now.

Live long and live well, my family and friends. :)

til next time,
adam j.

Why me?

When I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, my first reaction was naturally dismay and shock. “Why me?” this thought echoed through my head. I was a mere 27 years old boy who was nearly done with his graduate school years. Why me? The news, of course, was a terrible blow to my family, friends, and me. None of us could have seen this coming. Growing up, I was a natural athlete. Maybe not the superstar who woos the fans’ hearts with the game-winning shot. I was just a player who knew his role well. I played a variety of sports throughout my life: soccer, basketball, football, baseball, wrestling, track and field, and even gymnastics and karate briefly. I was back-up goalie for USA Team Handball for Deaflympics 2005, and our team managed to win silver medal for our country. On the bottom line, I was an active guy who was usually in good health.

So why me?

My dear grandma was diagnosed with breast cancer. She survived through it. Yet, in her second year of remission, it eventually came back, along with bone cancer and brain tumor. In late 2003, she passed away with a week left before becoming 80 years old. Bless her soul… Maybe having cancer runs in the family? That is what I asked my doctor. Her response was that the cause behind Hodgkin’s Lymphoma is unknown and/or likely mutlifactorial. There are a variety of theories that could lead to my present case: family history, history of infectious mononucleosis (mono), and so on. My parents suspect excessive partying (parents… you know them). I never had mono in the past; however the doctor said it was possible for me to have an encounter with someone who has mono, and it could wake up the dormant cancer cells in my body. A friend of mine mentioned that it could be from microwaving food too much (aka nuking them, according to my sister-in-law). Basically, no one really knows why I was diagnosed with it in the first place.

So why me?

Maybe this is because of karma? This could be because I stole a candy bar from a 2nd grade girl when I was in 4th grade? Or the one time I shoplifted a t-shirt from a store in New Orleans, Louisiana, during my road trip in my sophomore year of Gallaudet University? Or it could be one tha---- ah, I could go on and on, just like chubby Chuck did to the villains in “Goonies” (one of my all-time favorite movie scenes). However, I am actually more of a realist and skeptic myself. Due to that fact, I am not exactly a big fan of fate, horoscopes, prophecies, and so on. Karma happens to fall in that category too, but I usually find myself fascinated with the concept of it. Are people being rewarded and punished because of their actions? I believe all people have their own successes and hardships, but was this result of karma? Or just simply what life has to offer us? I know I did a lot of things that I’m proud of, and in the meantime, I know there are some flaws and aspects I need to address. But were my actions and failures in my life justifiable for me as a cancer victim? I don’t know. Some people are strong believer of “things happen for a reason”. Once again, I am skeptic about that. This debate could go on forever too. Was this act of karma? An act of fate? An act of God? Or just simply what life is. Who knows and I will just leave this to people’s interpretation.

So why me?

This entire ordeal was certainly tiresome, and yet it strengthened me as a person in general. Many people were surprised to see how optimistic I was through entire experience. In reality, I have to put emphasis on two factors. First and foremost, it was the survival odds. People at young age who are diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma have 90% of survival rate. In fact, a person in medical field mentioned this, “If you have to have cancer, this one is to get. Because this kind of cancer is most treatable in comparison to other cancers.” Not only that, Stanford Cancer Center has this outstanding success rate with treating this kind of cancer, hence bringing my odds to probably 95% or more. I am truly fortunate to be able to put myself in excellent hands.

The next factor was my approach to this entire ordeal. As mentioned before, people were surprised at how calm and optimistic I was while dealing with my case. Well, my response to this: how else should I approach my situation? You expect me to hide in a dark closet and spew out Shakespeare quotes and to curse my fate and/or the Supreme Being above me (well, I did that couple of months ago, and I must say it was rather nice to get it off my chest). But, on a serious note, is there another efficient way for me to handle this situation? I think not. I had a friend tell me that his wife told him that if she was ever diagnosed with any kind of cancer, she would prefer to keep her condition on low profile and is possibly willing to take her own life, if necessary. Some said they would sulk into oblivious and or wreak havoc like the guy did in “Breaking Bad” TV series. I do not speak for other cancer patients, and I can only speak for myself. People all over the world are diagnosed with various kinds of cancers with unknown causes (not including cancers that were caused by various products such as tobacco, alcohol, exposure to radiation, so on). Is it our fault? Is it something for us to be ashamed of? I personally do not think so. This is the very reason why I figured I really don’t have much of choice except to keep my head high and just plow through the obstacles that await me.

Once again, I have to stress that my experience is very different from other cancer patients’. To be honest, I have NO idea what my reaction to entire ordeal would be like if I was notified in the beginning that I have 50% chance of surviving or if my cancer was not curable. I do not know if I would be able to approach the entire ordeal with confidence and optimistic attitude like I am with my current condition. Only God knows what it would be like, really.

Throughout the entire ordeal, I have befriended several Deaf cancer patients who I came to admire. One of them has been enduring through his rare kind of cancer for last six years or so. Another one of them was diagnosed with her cancer when she was a baby and it came back twice in her lifetime, and she just graduated from high school recently. In a nutshell, there are plenty others who have it worse than me, but it didn’t dampen their spirits nor their zest for life. It also came to my recognition that they were thrilled to be able to share their stories and experiences with me. It is true that I am somewhat able to relate to them, but to the extent of their hardships? Probably not, but it was nice to be able to lend a listening “eye” and to ask some words of wisdom from them. In fact, this whole experience made me realize I want to “pay it forward” by helping future Deaf cancer patients somehow. I still have no idea how I will do it, but hopefully I will be able to do it someday.

The strange thing about this whole experience was my perspective on life itself. Ironically enough, in last few months, I feel more content than I WAS in last few years! It is true that graduate school and life itself did take a toll on me mentally, physically, and spiritually. I was beginning to lose the sight of what was precious to me in my life. After being diagnosed with cancer, it took me a while to accept, and eventually to embrace the menacing towering obstacle that was lying in my way. After a couple of months, I began to look at this ordeal as blessing in disguise. It made me acknowledge how fortunate I was to be blessed with loving family and numerous great friends. It made me appreciate those little finer things in my life now. It is true my life is a wild roller coaster itself, yet I have plenty more highlights than hardships in my life, I can assure you. Alas, in the meantime, I must confess it is somewhat sad how we often need hardships in our lives to be reminded of our blessings. In a nutshell, I just hope my hardship can serve as a reminder to every one of you of how precious our lives are.

My perspective of how I live my life has also altered. Looking back, I realize that in my young 20s, I pretty much abide by this motto: “Ignorance is bliss”. I rarely look at the way I eat, exercise, and sleep. For instance, whenever I see my food on the floor more than five seconds, I would just chuckle and brush the dust off food and flick it into my devouring mouth. Fast food and plenty of fattening meals never concern me once about my health. Of course, that comes with age too. I am no longer the young and naive young adult I once used to be. Now my thinking has been shifting to new thinking: “Knowledge is power.” Now I start look at the way I lead my life, especially how I eat and exercise. Of course, as that old saying goes, “Rome wasn’t built in a day”; my habits didn’t change overnight. I’m slowly trying to reduce some of my vices, improving my eating habit, and exercising on a regular basis. Now I am proud to say that I’m on my fifth week of p90x and am currently holding a new side job as Beachbody coach. I will probably elaborate more on this later, but if you are interested in P90X, Insanity, Brazil Butt Lift and several more products Beachbody company has to offer, then do CONTACT me for more information!

It is true that I have endured plenty hardships with my diagnosis of Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, but it also did strengthen and solidify my character. I guess the truest test of someone’s character is how much he/she bounces back from hardships and misfortunes in his/her life. I am not out of deep woods, as I still do not know my results yet. If I happen to be in remission, I still will have to deal with yearly check-ups for many years to come. Despite the low odds of this happening, but I might be vulnerable to secondary cancers from this entire treatment (either from chemotherapy or radiation therapy) in the future. Ultimately, my health will be always in question for rest of my life, but will I let that stop me living my life to the fullest? Absolutely not. Not when I know I am blessed with the life I have right now.

Oh, that reminds me. In my previous entry, I said I would be notified of my final result on March 9th. However, it was rescheduled to March 21st due to a minor mistake on their part. And yes, that is tomorrow, my family and friends. I had a CT SCAN last Thursday, March 17th (yep, on St. Paddy’s Day), and this will verify the condition I am currently in. In a sense, you could say that the Day of Judgment has arrived for me. Either I will be in remission or not.

Regardless of what final result is, I must thank all of you for your constant support and love you guys have shown for me throughout my entire ordeal. Words cannot describe my gratitude for every one of you, really. For now, a sincere and heartfelt “thank you” would do.

Thank you.

So why me?

The answer: who fucking knows. Just live on, my dear self. ☺

til’ next time,
adam j.

P.S. This was typed on March 20th, but was published on 21st. I had to clarify couple of details in my blog. Anyway, I'll be getting final results in matter of couple of hours! Wish me luck, familia and amigos!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

The Man in the Plastic Mask

*whistling* Been a while, I know… Holidays craze… What can I say?

Seriously, my apologies for submitting this entry so late. I know some of you do check my blog on daily basis and throw a temper tantrum when nothing has been updated yet. I apologize in advance for your damaged china dishes, the holes in the wall, your shattered '47 in HDTV, and so on. I hope this entry will be enough to appease your frustration of waiting countless hours on me.

First of all, happy new year to all of you! My holidays were downright crazy, and just the way I like it. :) got plenty of guests visiting me in the month of December, mostly because a lot of my friends were either back home for holidays or just merely passing through bay area during their long winter break. For Christmas, we went to Washington to be with my relatives on my mom’s side. Right after xmas, went to Canada for galore of cold Canadian brewskis, to rideee hard at Whistler, to sample their delicacy (poutine), and most importantly, to be with my good friends for New Year Eve. Am not going to elaborate anymore on this, but simply enough, it was absolutely great way to start my year of 2011!

I got back from Canada a week ago, but fell into hibernation until couple of days ago. Am finally catching up with my life. So here I am!

This entry will be dedicated completely to my radiation therapy. I know I already explained a bit about my radiation therapy in my previous entry, but pictures and more insights will be included this time.

Right before I initiated my radiation therapy, the nurses had to mold a plastic mask for my face. This was to ensure that I would stay motionless during the therapy. Ahhh, I’m having a hard time to explain how this works, but thanks to the marvels of google.com nowadays… So I will excerpt some sections from internet of how the process is done.

The mask is actually made from a mesh material called aquaplast. The material becomes very warm and soft when placed in warm water. This requires the patient to lie on his/her back and let the piece of aquaplast to be molded around the entire face. The patient will have to wait for thirty minutes to let the mask cool down and become firm. To ensure accuracy, the mask is to be worn during the treatments to keep the head still.

Well, this process was actually entertaining for me, as it brought me memories back to plaster masks most of us made during summer camps or at elementary schools. Anyway- back to my radiation therapy… I was already aware about the fact that I had to lie still for 15-20 minutes with a mask sealed on my face on a daily basis for a month. But boy, first two days were tough! The mask was incredibly TIGHT! At few times, it sure felt like I was suffocating! As the mask was removed from my face after first two days’ treatment, you could see the impression on my forehead clearly from my mask! I swear you could play tic tac toe on my forehead! No? Well- check the picture below.

After first two days of treatment, the mask finally loosened up a bit and no longer left impression on my face. After a while, I got accustomed to my new routine on a daily basis. My routine required approximately 40 minutes of driving (one way) and 15-20 minutes of waiting at hospital, all of this just for 15 minutes of radiation therapy (don’t forget the drive back home too!). But I was barely complaining at all, as I look at my treatment as my nap session on a daily basis. After few days, I would just jump on the bed and tell nurses to lay the da mask on me, then pure solitude for fifteen minutes. Well, did I feel any pain? Not at all… I cannot feel the laser beaming on my affected areas at all. My doctor warned me that my skin would become reddened (similar to light sunburn), and I might experience a sore throat, but all of this is likely to happen in third or fourth week. Well, the best analogy I could come up with is that it feels in a way that my body’s being microwaved (of course, I have NO idea what it’s like to be microwaved). By fourth week, I finally felt the effects of radiation therapy. Sure enough, the doctor was right about my skin being reddened and sore throat. By last few days of radiation therapy, it looked like I came from a tanning salon. And the sore throat was evident in last several days, which swallowing big gulps of food became a bit of challenge for me. But in no way, both of symptoms were bothersome enough for me to pull a Tom Cruise move and jump down on couch and declare my insanity to the world. In addition to that, never once I experienced nausea through the entire treatment, which I am certainly grateful for (I heard it was different in many cases of other cancer victims).

Anyway- when I was being masked on a daily basis, it brought me memories back to my freshman year in High School. My English class was reading Alexandre Dumas’ well-known literature, “The Man in the Iron Mask”. In a nutshell, it was about a prisoner in an iron mask locked tightly in dungeon, because his only crime was being the King of France’s twin brother. In no way my story is similar as that poor man’s story, but having a mask locked securely on your face on a daily basis gave me a bit of insight of what his life was like. Hence this is the story of “The Man in the Plastic Mask” (movie coming up soon- casting selection is still in progress now)! Ha- here is some pictures of me being “imprisoned” in my aquaplast mask!

On the very last day of my radiation therapy (Dec. 10th), the nurses gave me a certification to commend me on achieving the entire radiation treatment. In addition to that, they told me that I could keep the plastic mask that endured its trails with me for four weeks! Yes, it is now sitting all maliciously in my room, waiting to snare my face in prison once again.

Lastly, I was secretly hoping that the radiation therapy would somehow give me a hidden superhero power (yea, I think I read/watch a tad too much marvel comics in my lifetime). Well- right prior my radiation therapy, I was finally growing a beard for very first time. In last decade, I was not able to grow a full beard due to ingrown hair, and this is common for people with curly hair. This would lead to multiple small red bumps all over my face/neck area. Instead of enduring through ingrown hair, I would just shave them off and sticking only with goatee. For the very first time, ingrown hair wasn’t an issue for me after chemotherapy. Apparently it made my hair become thin (chemotherapy is known to change people’s hair texture, so it’s possible that I won’t grow curly hair ever again. who knows). Basically, I saw and seized the opportunity to grow a full beard prior my radiation therapy. Yep, I grew my beard throughout the entire radiation therapy. Oh, in case you guys are wondering; yes, radiation therapy does cause hair loss, but ONLY the specific areas that are being beamed. Anyway, I have dubbed my beard as radioactive beard, and guess what? It does have hidden powers! My beard is able to glow in the dark during the nighttime! You should see the wonders I have been doing with this trick, but only con of this is that I’m no longer able to play hide and seek game in the nighttime. Oh well, you can’t win it all. :)

And of course, I’m exaggerating about my so-called glow-in-the-dark radioactive beard. But won’t it be fun if that was actually the case? Hardy har har.

This concludes my entry about radiation therapy. Yes, I’m all done with treatment at hospital for now! But as mentioned before, I am not out of deep woods yet. Just earlier this morning, a nurse texted me and notified me of my appointment with my primary doctor, Dr. Advani, on March 9th. It is when I will get final results about whether if I am in remission or not. Therefore, it is all about waiting game now. As long I am done with hospital visits for a while, then it’s all good!

I will do ONE more entry sometime before March 9th (plenty of leeway for me- ha). This shall summarize my feelings and insights toward my entire ordeal. Just heads-up for every one of you, but I have no idea when I’ll submit this entry anyway. Just check my blog anytime before March 9th.

In the meantime, may the year of 2011 bring plenty of laughter, memorable times, and good health for all of us!

til’ next time,
adam j.